hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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