I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
