i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
