he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
