The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
