Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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