batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
