I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
