Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
