I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
