Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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