the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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