Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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