i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
