Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
