There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
