Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
