Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
