Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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