Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
barbara walters just said penis...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i love accidental penises.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
