**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
