Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
