They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
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Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sorry about my life...
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I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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