Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
