Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
