now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
