the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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