It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
