Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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