Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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