She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
