last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
