my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You ruined the universe
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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