I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
