none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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