the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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