During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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