Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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