What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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