nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And then he peed in my hair
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