Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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