so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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