No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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