Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
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Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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