How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
