Christians are straight up FREAKS
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
