Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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