My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
