I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize