I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
