so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
