Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
