i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
