I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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