Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
