the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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